Remembering Rahima

Woolman Hill Meeting House, May 12, 2012

This afternoon, the Quakers will have a memorial meeting for Rahima in the meeting house at Woolman Hill. This is similar to remembrances that are happening in her several spiritual communities.

I just received a report that during a Suluk reunion that is happening at the Abode of the Message in New Lebanon, New York this weekend, Pir Zia reflected on Rahima's life. The Abode was Rahima's true spiritual home on earth, where she received her name and where she completed Suluk, advanced study in Sufism.

In Iowa City, a Dances of Universal Peace—originally known as Sufi Dances—will be conducted on the evening of May 24 in honor of Rahima. It will be held in the sanctuary at the Unitarian Universalist Society of Iowa City where Rahima attended with her family. She is remembered there especially as a leader around social causes.

It is a lovely day here at Woolman Hill, warm and sunny. The memorial meeting will be conducted in the manner of Friends. We will gather in silence at 3 o'clock. There will be a brief introduction followed by a period of expectant worship with messages arising as the spirit leads. After about an hour, we will shake hands then enjoy refreshments and conversation on the porch.

The meeting house had a special place in our world. According to Rahima's calendar, we first visited there on May 20, 2009, the day after our first date. Instantly, Rahima felt a strong spiritual resonance for the place, more than I can express here. We frequently attended the mid-week meeting for worship in the meeting house, Rahima more often than I. In the past year, her affinity for Woolman Hill led her to join the board of directors.

In a sense, to remember a person after their death is to keep them alive in spirit. Through this experience I have learned that grief is a doorway to gratitude. As time passes, my sorrow abates and what remains is a deep appreciation for having known and loved such a person as Rahima Wade.

~Andy

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How are you remembering Rahima? Who else are you remembering in this way?

Holding

If only I could hold your face
If only I could wrap up the light in your eyes
and put it away
          safekeeping

          safekeeping

                    against mistaken words
                    against parting
                    old age

                    against all human loneliness

We say that love has no beginning and no end
We know such love
          flowing out of itself like a river
          that meets and parts and meets

                    It's for that love
                    our eyes shine

          But oh for that time of parting
          for that time we are not ever
                    sufficiently shored against

tell me how to hold that precious light

Take my hands and bless them
          as they bless what they long to keep

Holding by Robert Grant Burns

The New Yorker, Dec. 18, 1971

Spirited Dancer

Spirited Dancer by A. P. Grant, 2011

I made this gestural photograph of Rahima contra dancing at the Fall Ball in Peterborough, NH. It speaks to me about the fleeting quality of existence, how our spirits animate these bodies and join in the dance of life for but a time.

~Andy

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What are your thoughts about permanence and impermanence?

Pen Pals

Rahima worked for the Greenfield Public Schools in various capacities. One of the projects that she initiated was a pen pal reading program for sixth graders which was so successful last year that the superintendent expanded the program this year to include the entire 6th Grade.

Joan, a volunteer who worked closely with Rahima, has picked up the program and is doing a fabulous job. More than 100 adult residents of Greenfield have been matched up with the students.

Here's how it works: Everyone reads the same book. In the course of reading, the adults and children exchange a series of letters—actual letters that are mailed through the US Post Office in bright yellow envelopes. They write a little about themselves and their thoughts about the book. At the end, the students and their adult pen pals have the opportunity to meet each other at a big party.

The book this year is "Bud, Not Buddy" by Christopher Paul Curtis, an engaging memoir of a boy who is left orphaned and is in search of a new family. In some ways I identify with Bud although he had a much harder time of it.

This year, I am participating as a pen pal. My students are Jack and Zach, and we're just beginning to get acquainted.

Rahima delighted in coming up with schemes like this, that connected people in new ways and gave them insight into themselves and their community. She was a pioneer in service-learning as a rich field for education. She loved this work and I enjoyed seeing the charge she got out of doing it.

~Andy

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What lessons have your learned or are you continuing to learn from Rahima? If you're in the pen pal program, how's it going for you?

62 Haywood Street

The house at 62 Haywood Street is up for sale. This was the home and ours was the relationship that Rahima manifested from halfway across the country.

Not long ago, when Rahima was living in Iowa, she left her unhappy marriage and her tenured faculty position in quest for great love and a place to call home. She took her consulting work on the road and she chose Greenfield, Massachusetts as a place to live. In true Rahima form, she had several reasons for this location: 1) it was in New England, not far from her hometown of Scituate, Massachusetts; 2) it was within reach of the Abode of the Message in New Lebanon, NY, a center for Sufi practice and her spiritual home; and 3) she regarded the Guiding Star Grange in Greenfield—the place where we first met—as the "contra dance center of the universe" (see video).

Now the time we shared in this place has come to an end. I am most grateful to the team of friends who helped get the house ready for sale. The realtor walked through yesterday and said the place looks fabulous. Here are links to an online gallery of photos I took yesterday and the real estate listing. Today, I worked with a woman to clear the house of energetic blockages and infuse it with love and light. I had a strong sense of Rahima's presence and approval.

This beautiful house was well-used, every part of it. Now it is time to let it go for someone else to enjoy.

I feel complete with this phase. My grief is not over. For a long time, I expect to feel the sorrow and gratitude that come. However, my active role in caring for Rahima has shifted. I have attended with her through the original cancer diagnosis and treatment, the hip fracture and recovery, the end-stage cancer diagnosis, the health institute and homecoming, her dying process, the home wake and memorial service and finally the sale of the house. I will hold her memory dear and relish the times when her spirit feels especially near, but my work is largely finished. In the summer, Rahima's ashes will be scattered at her "mermaid put-in spot."

Now I will rest and restore with a view toward progressing in my life. What my next step will be after my time at Woolman Hill—where I will find myself at home and with whom—is yet to be seen, but I feel confident and ever so thankful.

~Andy

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What are your memories of 62 Haywood Street?

Hiking with Rahima

Hiking was a big part of the life that Rahima and I shared. Our first date was a hike. Throughout our time together we made regular jaunts on the local trails. We took overnight hiking trips with the kids. We also had aspirations for more grand adventures reflected in the items pictured here: Rahima's passport and three guidebooks.

The book about New England waterfalls came up in one of our first conversations on the dance floor. I had shown her a picture that I took of a waterfall and she said she wanted to hike to all of the waterfalls in New England, she even had a guidebook. I said warmly, "I'll go with you," a comment that surprised and delighted both of  us.

Last November, we made reservations to travel to Scotland to hike the Southern Upland Way, the coast-to-coast route through the Scottish Highlands linked by a series of lodges. It was a trip that Rahima had attempted to make years ago but had to cancel due to a family crisis. When it became apparent that she would not be making the trip this time either, she encouraged me to go ahead.

So now I've invited my brother Bob to join me and he's game. I think it will be magical, hiking with my brother in the land of our ancestors, and bittersweet. Rahima will go with us in spirit and I will be reminded that I had a partner who loved to hike as much as I do, if not more.

~Andy

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What part does hiking play in your own life? What do you think about making plans that go unfulfilled or fulfilling a plan in a new way?

Maddie's Mermaid

Maddie's Mermaid for Rahima

My children, Ian (18) and Maddie (15), felt at home with Rahima. For this I will always be grateful. They appreciated Rahima's ease, her penchant for fun, and her yen for adventure. They especially enjoyed the constant table games we played and the camping trips we took together.

At Christmas, Maddie made a gift for Rahima: a transparent window hanging of tissue paper cut by hand and glued together that depicts a mermaid swimming in the ocean. This was a month before we knew that Rahima's transition was fast approaching, but the image speaks to me today of Rahima boldly moving through her final passage.

Rahima was intent on including my kids in her dying process, speaking with them personally, giving them gifts and modeling honesty, grace and courage. I couldn't have asked for more in this regard. It was their first experience with the death of a loved one.

Before I hand the keys over to the realtor on Tuesday, I'll take the mermaid down from the kitchen window, and remember times when we were together, happy times.

~Andy

P.S. I am most grateful to the folks who helped at 62 Haywood Street. Thank you. We did it!

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What makes a home and how do you know when you're at home?